


The Past Hurts

by theotherlucifer



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Deckerstar - Freeform, F/M, Flashback, Lucifer - Freeform, Post-Season/Series 04, Rebellion, chloedecker, deckerstarfamily, lucifermorningstar, lucifernetflix, luciferspast, selfharm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-25
Updated: 2019-12-05
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:08:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21556000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theotherlucifer/pseuds/theotherlucifer
Summary: Chloe and Lucifer are (finally) in a well-established relationship. Everything is going well until a curious little ten-year-old asks a question that well, hits a little too close to home.This fanfiction jumps between the life of Deckerstar and the life of Lucifer as he was before the fall. Samael.
Relationships: Chloe Decker/Lucifer Morningstar
Comments: 3
Kudos: 77





	1. Did it hurt?

Friday night was movie night in the Deckerstar household. The family trio lay on the couch, munching on popcorn and chocolate, watching some cringy Disney film that Trixie had picked out. The child lay on Lucifer's lap and he enjoyed having her there. Lucifer's arm was wrapped lovingly around the detective and her head rested on his shoulder. This was the perfect night for the family and they all loved every second of it.

Trixie continuously pointed out all the interesting things that were going on in the movie, whilst Lucifer continuously pointed out all the plot holes or made ridiculous sexual remarks that went over the oblivious child's head. Chloe often shook her head in disbelief as Lucifer yelled at the television. Although she was frequently annoyed by his childish behaviour, she couldn't help but smile. The room was a dream come true, the love of her life and her beautiful daughter, laughing together and having a good time. 

"Mum! Mum!" Trixie shouted lazily at her mother trying to grab her attention.

Chloe looked up at her daughter, lifting her head off Lucifer's comfy shoulder. "Yes, Monkey?" she said, snapping out of her blissful thoughts.

"We are all out of popcorn!!"

"Baby, we aren't even halfway through the film!"

"That's why we need more! Pleaseee, mummy?" The girl asked, making her best puppy dog face.

"I'm sure Luci can get you some." 

Lucifer groaned. "Nuh, uh, I'm busy," Lucifer said motioning to the little girl sitting happily on his lap.

"Pleaseee, mummy?" The little girl pleaded again.

Chloe sighed. "Okay monkey, just this once, and only because I wasn't here for storytime last night."

"Yeah 'cause you had a sleepover at Lucifer's!" Trixie giggled.

Chloe's cheeks blushed red, it was a very common thing yet every time Trixie mentioned it, Chloe couldn't help but blush. Chloe felt that this was the very motivation she needed to get up and out of the lounge to go make some popcorn.

As she walked away she could hear Luci and Trixie laughing. Her heart melted. They were so adorable together and it made her so happy.

As Chloe returned with the extra snacks she heard the little girl asking Lucifer a question.

"Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?" The ten-year-old asked, jumping off the couch at once to look at Lucifer in the eyes, her brown pigtails, swishing around as she did.

Lucifer who a minute ago had been cheery and giggly with the girl suddenly paled. He stuttered. "Uh– Er– I–, Isn't it past her bedtime?" Lucifer asked when he noticed the detective entering the room. A smile forming at his mouth, trying to hide the obvious discomfort he was feeling. 

Chloe knitted her eyebrows together, clearly worried about her boyfriend's sudden change in behaviour, but decided it was best not to push him. "Yeah, you're probably right," She said turning to Trixie smiling. "Come on, monkey, let's go," Chloe said lifting her little girl up and swinging her over her shoulder. The little girl squealed playfully and let her mum carry her to bed. 

"Goodnight, baby," Chloe said as she finished tucking her daughter in.

"Goodnight Mummy," Trixie smiled but quickly her smile faltered and her face showed mild concern. 

"Are you okay baby?"

"Do you think Lucifer is okay? I didn't mean to upset him, Mummy, I promise."

"I'm sure Luci's okay, monkey, I'll go check on him now, don't you worry baby," Chloe smiled at her daughter, hiding the concern she truly felt. She couldn't help but worry about Lucifer and how we had just suddenly clammed up and stopped talking. She worried about what trauma he had experienced when he had been thrown into the dark abyss of nightmares that she can not even begin to fathom. Chloe's worried thoughts are interrupted by the loud beating of her heart which pounds in her head and she takes a moment to just breathe.

When Chloe managed to calm down she stumbled out of her daughter's room and walked back into the lounge to comfort her boyfriend and tell him everything is okay. She was curious, as always, to know the truth, know what happened to the man she loved. She wanted to know how everything went down, she wanted to be there for him, she wanted him to tell her everything. But she knew that would have to wait for another time.

She pondered whether she should ask him now, maybe then he could let his emotions out, they could hurt together, be there for each other. She walked into the lounge, but he wasn't there. "Luci...?" Chloe whispered. "Lucifer?" She asked into the empty room. Chloe couldn't help but be consumed by worry for the man she loved. It was very unlike Lucifer to leave, especially without saying goodbye. Chloe pondered whether she should call her boyfriend to check on him, but she knew that if he was feeling bad, he would just ignore her calls. As Chloe, and well everyone knew, Lucifer was not one to open up about his feelings or confront his issues. I mean it took Chloe, telling Lucifer she loved him, for him to even realise that he had been in love with her for, well, for a very, very long time. Chloe's mind raced with worrying thoughts. Have demons come back?? Is this about her daughter's questions? Is he okay? What happened? Did I do something?

Chloe finally decided that she was going to go see Lucifer. Whether he wanted to talk or not he was going to have to deal with it. Chloe grabbed her keys from the hook on the counter when she noticed a little post-it note on the counter. The elegant cursive writing was a clear indicator that none other than the fancy Lucifer Morningstar had written it. 

The note was short;

Had to go. Sorry.   
Luci x

And drawn underneath was a little devil emoji, Lucifer's classic signature. Chloe smiled for a moment as she read the nickname she gave him, he was so adorable, but then quickly after she furrowed her eyebrows in concern once more. Lucifer never apologised, not like this at least. Apologising was too close to admitting he was wrong, and Lucifer is 'always' right.

Chloe couldn't leave her 11-year-old daughter alone in the house so she quickly called Maze. Although Maze was annoyed at first, she became excited once Chloe told her it was for Trixie. Maze loved that little human more than anything.

"'Sup Decker, where's the little human?" Maze said as she entered the Decker household.

"Trixie is in bed, and you aren't to wake her! Understand?"

"Mm yeah whatever," Maze said walking into the little girl's room, not planning on listening to Chloe one bit.

Chloe shook her head, knowing Maze wouldn't listen to her, but alas it was Friday and Trixie didn't have school tomorrow and Chloe had other things to deal with right now. 

She left, hurriedly, almost forgetting to lock the door behind her. She scrambled into the car and raced, well, went the speed limit, all the way to Lux.

When she arrived she didn't even stop to say hi to the valet, she raced inside Lux leaving a confused man outside holding her keys. She practically ran through the crowded nightclub to the elevator. Chloe prayed Lucifer was okay, she couldn't help but feel afraid that he might have just left, that his furniture would be covered in white sheets and he would have abandoned her again. But he wouldn't do that, they were finally together at last and he had told her why he had left her after she nearly died. 

The elevator pinged and Chloe stepped inside the penthouse.

"Hey, Luci? Where are you? Are you okay?" Chloe spoke into the room. She heard a sad groan coming from Lucifer's bedroom and she raced up the Italian marble stairs. The devil sat in the corner of the room. His knees held tightly to his chest. His hair was dishevelled and the area around his eyes was red as if he had been crying. His white shirt had half the buttons undone and was partially stained with red. 

"Lucifer! What happened?" Chloe cried, running over to her boyfriend.

"You– You shouldn't be here," He whispered, never looking at her directly.

"Yes I should! You're hurt. Luci what happened?"

"It– It's nothing, just go– just go, you can't help me. I'm sorry."

"Hey, hey, I'm not going anywhere Luci, tell me what happened," Chloe spoke softly. She placed her hand on his back to comfort him. He flinched.

"Lucifer?"

And then she saw the blade resting beside him. One of Maze's, forged in Hell. The type that can harm Lucifer. No, Chloe thought.

Chloe looked up at Lucifer, forcing him to make eye contact. Her face was full of fear and worry. "I'm sorry." He whispered, once again breaking eye contact and staring at the cold, hard ground.

"What did you do Lucifer?" Chloe asked, her voice shaking as she did. She hoped, she really hoped that she was wrong about what she presumed had happened.

"I didn't want them anymore. I don't want them, Detective," Lucifer said, finally looking up at her, his eyes looked sad and distant.

"What don't you want Luci?"

Lucifer twitched his shoulders. His two massive wings appeared at once. The once beautiful, white feathers, were drenched in thick crimson blood. Deep wounds were etched along the wings. It broke Chloe's heart just seeing the pain he was in. 

"Why?" Chloe wanted to say more but that was all she could manage. She wanted to cry, to scream, to tell him that he should have come to her. She could have helped him, why didn't he come to her.

"They're his. I don't want to be like him. I don't– I can't be connected to him." Lucifer muttered, his voice so quiet Chloe could barely hear him. "I'm sorry," He repeated.

"Hey, it's okay, it's okay," Chloe assured him. But she didn't really know if it was. She didn't know what had happened to him. What had made him do this, to himself. Cause him to hurt himself so badly. At that moment she wanted to punch God in the face. Scream at him and ask him what the Hell, he had done to his son. But she had answered her own question in that. Hell. What kind of parent would send their own child to Hell? Banish them from home. Abandon them.

It was sick.

"I don't know what to do," Lucifer mumbled, tears streaking silently down his face.


	2. Yes. It hurt a lot.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashback to Samael in Heaven.

Samael. _Light bringer_. God's _favourite_. 

Apparently.

***

When the angels first came into existence they obeyed every request from their father. What else would they do? They didn't know any better. And so with every instruction from their father, they fulfilled their task. Over and over until some realised what they were doing.

And God kept playing with his creations. Sending angels away for certain quests. Nobody had disobeyed. He didn't know they could. And he was used to it. Being in power. He said he loved his children, but he just loved the power they gave him. And one day he created his tower. His spire above the ground. And then he began to distance himself from his children. They weren't his equals, not his children. They were his workers. That was their _purpose_.

***

"My dear Samael," God had said one day. "You, my boy, can make the stars." He offered as if it were something to be desired. But it was just an order, disguised.

The boy's face had lit up instantly. He smiled at his father. And went to work in creating.

But it wasn't as easy as it had seemed. It hurt, oh it hurt. 

The first one which he had made was small. And the other angels laughed. So he continued to work. Day after day. Creating the stars as he went. Paining himself over and over as he gave a piece of himself away to the stars. And after a millennium he returned to his father.

"It's perfect my dear child," His father had said.

And Samael's face had lit up once again. His father's approval, who could want more?

And day in and day out his father used this in his power. The angels all desired God's approval. And that's how he got them to do his bidding. The angels were made for themselves, to be their own person and control what happened to them. But that wasn't good enough for God anymore. And he raised his so call family into believing that they had a purpose, and that purpose was to do as he ordered. 

***

And one day has God had sat high above his throne, watching his human creation, he called upon Samael once more.

"Samael I need you to do me something," He had asked. "It's a great task that requires only the best of angels," He had bribed. "I need you to look over my plans, dear boy. I've created a place for the guilty to go." And he showed his son then, the plans for the underworld. His son had smiled and agreed with it all. 

"It's amazing," Samael had said and joined in with the creation.

But over time Samael watched from heaven, as the many souls piled up in cells. And he watched as the good people who felt remorseful, ended up being tortured for eternity in the fiery pit.

And slowly he began to realise. This was not right. Surely his father hadn't meant to send good people to Hell, just because they felt guilty. His father would never do that. _Right?_

And so he went to his father, flying up to his throne. And he told his father what he had seen. His father had only smiled and said "It's marvellous, isn't it? The people get what they think they deserve. And you helped me create all of it! You, Samael, I couldn't have done it without you."

"It's evil father, I will not help you again!" Samael had screamed at his father then.

"My dear boy it is no such thing! You will obey my orders. You will do what I ask. That is your purpose Samael."

"You are sending innocent people to be tortured! I am all for punishing those who deserve it, but many of these people have done nothing wrong. And- And you don't even _care_." Samael spat.

"You are my SON! You will do as I say. You can not challenge me, you must obey."

"You can not force me to love you, Father."

"I know best, son. I know more than you will ever know, my child. I can see all. And my son, I know this is good. And I am good."

" _Are_ you?" Samael growled at his father, his eyes beginning to glow red. "You told us all that we are all your equals. You told us that we see what you see. We create together. We judge _together._ And this does not feel equal. I was under the impression that you cared for us."

God chuckled then, tilting his head. "I told you no such thing. And so what if I did? It all belongs to me, child. _You_ belong to me." He whispered so nobody else could hear.

And the Goddess of Creation stood by her husband's side. "Son," She said. "Tell him you are sorry. Ask for his forgiveness."

" _Forgiveness_?" Samael scoffed. "For telling him the truth? For telling him he is _evil_. Tell me honestly Father. What is any of this even for? Why you do any of it? Why do are you punishing the innocent? Why does this matter so greatly? What? because _you_ say it does?"

"That is ENOUGH!" God had bellowed, sending an earthquake through the Heavens. And now any angel that was not already watching, turned to face the throne. "You do not speak to me this way. You must remember, I made you! And anything can be reversed." God said bitterly.

"You think you own me?" Samael hissed. "I am not your _slave_."

"Yes. You are." God had smiled then and called Micheal top his side. And Micheal, his rival brother, immediately stepped up for the chance for God's good grace.

"Father?" Micheal asked.

"Your dear brother has rejected my creation. He has defied his purpose. He has defied me." God had said. "He is a liar, and a traitor, and he must be punished. Chain him."

And at once Micheal did as he was ordered and it didn't take long for Samael to give in and he surrendered himself to the chains.

"I am not a liar!" He had declared to his siblings. "God is evil! You have to believe me. He created a place so awful. It punishes anybody who feels remorse, even those innocents who have done no crime." He had yelled, tugging against his restraints.

"You're lying," Uriel had told him. "God is our father, he knows best." And the rest of them had scowled in agreement. 

"I'm not lying!" Samael cried, almost begging for his siblings to believe him. "I don't lie," Samael whispered. And he vowed he never would. 

"Oh dear Samael. This is not what I made you to be. I am not evil. You are lying." God had said. Lying to all of his children.   
_I am not my father._ Samael had told himself. _I am not a liar_. 

"We can't have traitors here," God had commanded and many had agreed. And those who felt they did not agree did nothing. They knew there would be dire consequences. They were afraid.

"You yourself have rejected me Samael. It's my turn to reject you." God had told him. "You reject me, you reject this," God said gesturing to the Heaven around him. "You are not welcome here. You may be my son, but you will never be welcome in _my_ home." And there were many whispers at that. _My home?_ Several had questioned. _Is it not ours?_ And several wanted to believe in Samael but they knew they couldn't interject or they would be punished too. 

And so they all watched as Samael fell. As God threw him out of Heaven and shut the silver gates behind him.

And Samael fell. 

And he waited to hit the marble heaven floors.

And he fell.

And he realised he was in heaven no more.

And he fell.

And his wings failed to hold him.

And he fell. 

And his wings began to ache.

And he fell.

And his wings turned dark and monstrous.

And he fell.

And he hurt.

Until he reached his punishment with a painful thud. 

And he stood up then. With barely enough energy to walk. And he found himself crying on the floors of Hell. Hearing over and over the screams of the souls that _he_ had helped put there. 

"I'm not my father. And he is not my dad." He had cried. _I am not my father._ And he tried to believe it. He really tried. But he couldn't. _He_ had done this. 

And he told himself then. _I'm a monster. I deserve this_. And he believed every word. 

And he began to cry. And his tears began to pool on the hard rock floor. And he continued to cry for he felt so lonely. He had no family. And for the first time in his life, he had no _purpose_.

And he found himself then, staring at his reflection. And through the pool of tears, he saw a scarred red face starring back at him.

And he continued to feel the pain of rejection. And he cried. And he cried. He felt ever so alone. _Abandoned._

"Hello," A voice had said to him and he looked up at the demon before him. "I'm Mazikeen. I'm here to protect you."

And from then on, he reinvented himself. He created a purpose for himself. He changed his name, to rid himself from his father's restraints. He changed who he was. And he learned to accept the monster that he was. And day in and day out he continued to work the job he was forced to do. But eventually, he stopped feeling bad about the place. 

He continued to torture.

And he began to enjoy it.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys, please let me know what you guys think of the story and if you have any ideas xx


End file.
